Fear And Loathing In Fatherhood
Dear Aiden And Evan,
This note to you is long overdue. I promised myself I would make space to communicate with you here every 30 days. Time has gotten away from me. Somewhat fitting, given what I want to say to you this time around.
It’s easy to talk about the highlights of fatherhood. After all, they are plentiful. Not as easy to discuss are the struggles. As we talk about often, things in life that are attained absent of difficulty are often devoid of value. Well, why should this apply any less to being a father? For me, this is revealed every day in even the most minutia of decisions I make. Conversations I have with people you will never meet, topics you will never understand. In short, there is not much I do every day that does not impact you directly. All my business decisions, all my social interactions, they all contain your well-being in the balance. Please understand, I’m not complaining. In fact, the reward of hearing you call me Dad makes me proud and content to carry these weighty realities around every day. I surely have made mistakes, I will undoubtedly continue to do so. No matter what, it’s important that you understand what motivates me. Your success. Your character development. Your safety. (Not necessarily in that order)
I struggle with how time impacts our relationship. What’s more important? Living in the present with you, or taking concerted steps towards preparing for your future needs and experiences? Common sense says the most prudent approach exists in the middle somewhere. I find a moving target like that difficult to see and hit consistently. Vacations, possessions, conversations over milkshakes at the dinner, these all come with a price tag, both emotional and financial. You have my word that I think deeply when spending currency of either kind. I’ve been living in fatherhood for 14 years now. I am no closer to having my questions answered now then I was on day one.
You both make me proud every day. Evan, you are a powerful communicator, full of humor and a wonderful creator of content. The world will surely benefit from what you bring into it. Aiden, you are an unparalleled adventurer. You can conquer any challenge that this fleeting world brings your way. Thank you both for ushering me into fatherhood.
